Journeying

I am so not pleased with how this ends. I just... don't like it..
The Journey
Stand at the bottom of the staircase,
No banister – tiptoe up trying not to make a sound.
Exhale at the top sounds like a hurricane; breath catches.
Standing at the bridgehead,
No railings – sneak across, don’t look down.
Collapse at the other side; making this journey alone.
Look up at the snowy peak.
No sherpa – scale this rocky face, heart pounds.
Behold, consider this journey; these accomplishments.
Trust or solitude? Questions remain unanswered.

Talking in Circles

Sometimes you just can't tell someone how much they mean to you. In addition to living in a society that is not frank with emotions, I have my PhD in Fear of Rejection.


Talking in Circles

Another conversation – we talk.
I tell you so many things,
inside myself, while
little is said aloud.
Smiling, I reach out to touch your arm,
a simple gesture,
devoid of ulterior motive, but
I miss.
My hand rests on your side and
the disquietude inside me –
nauseating waves.
But I remain steadfast,
nigh drowning in hidden consternation.
Blinded by this clashing of
trepidation and desire,
I can’t tell if you figured it out.
A hug goodbye bordering on aggressive,
alone again – no relief from the
apprehensive proclivity to you.

Pulling tails of Cheshire cats

Yep...

Pulling tails of Cheshire cats

Grasping at sand and clinging to shadows,
living in a dream.
Wishing and hoping on stars that
have already died.
Living in a ghost town, deserted but
still wait at the window.
Wrapped up in bed, knowing
sleep will never come.
[shadow, mist, hallucination]
A dawning sense of clarity.
Let go of hopes and dreams,
set them free.
This grey is life – it is time to stop
pulling tails of Cheshire cats.

Caress

(I can't decide if the last line should be more specific? "still searching for the right embrace" ???)

Caress

Enveloped in a cloud...
lean back -- anticipating soft.
Falling through cold, damp --
chills from brushing through the mist.
Wrapped in a blanket... snuggle down -- expecting warmth.
Struggling for air, smothered --
stifled in this entrapment.
Relaxed under the sun...
float on the water -- awaiting warmth.
Sinking in the dark, cold --
drowned in disorientation.
Still searching...

Digital Addiction

(I had a different title for this originally and it's AWESOME, but it deserves a better poem, so here I go trying to write about feeling again. This feeling shit gets kind of old sometimes...)

Digital Addiction

Drumming fingers on my cell phone,

craving the vibration that tells me

you want to reach me.

Checking text messages,

yearning for validation of my emotions,

feeling barren, stark.

Brush away a single tear,

this languishing is ridiculous I know;

I deteriorate into a vacant ache.

Compose a message to tell you, but

eloquence is just out of reach,

I cannot send you amassed brooding.

Devoid of coherent thought,

I am hollowed out and cannot communicate.

Put the phone away.

Forbearing

(thanks Sandy, it's almost what I want...)

Forbearing

Stinging, searing, blinding --

your hiemal moods bring snow,

my soul's adytum nearly ices over.

I patiently abrade the frost,

enduring, passive, hoping for a good one --

always altruistic.

I am no quean, just lavish with my canticles and

I am without fear.

Word Nerd

(it doesn't make sense, I know, just enjoy the plays on words please)

Word Nerd, or: Ode to my Love for Language

I'd like to proposition you with this preposition,

but you're just too possessive, I'm driven to run-on.

Now we're tense; don't be such an oxymoron,

I dash from your conjunctions.

Modify this you homophone!

I feel so verb, which, by definition,

means I have vague etymology.

I can't leave you -- you're my palindrome.

Period.

Astray

(mmm, I know... I know...)

Astray

Obscured footsteps,

mislaid laughter.

Wandering wayward without.

Lavish consumption,

bereaved wishes.

Feeble forgotten folly.

Blurred direction,

hidden tears.

Astray absorbed abstraction.

Adumbrate

Finally got rid of those pesky crushes! Merci Dieu!

Adumbrate

Camouflaged in abstruse…
you cannot see the ensconced slivers.
Ambiguously fragmented,
tucked away in shrouds of obscurity.
Locked up lying low,
you don’t ever need to know.
Furtively defective, but
disguising the marred dull spots.
Stifling the cracks and
harboring poorly disguised mutilations,
you try to peek through the curtain
straining to see how I’m mangled behind this veil.
Riven… fractured… hidden enigmatically,
it is all suppressed, reticent.
Smiling facades.

Crushes

Anytime I have a crush it irritates me beyond belief. I honestly loathe this state of being so having three crushes just annoys me to no end. I was trying to write about the stupidity I feel regarding aforementioned inanity but I wrote this so late at night that I don't have any idea if it makes much sense.

Quelling Crushes
I am an imbecile,
Self scurrilous due to my
Possibly pusillanimous nature.
I regain my deadpan, nigh dudgeon, and
Based on principle, deny the plangency
--pulse--
You cannot inveigle my usufruct,
The mere idea of taction is
torrefying (somatic)
And I slip into imbroglio –
Preposterous tardiloquous…
You seem ignorant of my deviations,
remain steadfast and sapient,
everything uniformly in its place.
Despite my incommodious lifestyle,
I find myself the ullage, unable to be the desideratum,
I leave you wanting.
Uneath and trustful, but I will never let you know.

Sometimes I like Rhymes

(get it? get it? "sometimes" rhymes with "rhymes". I'm so clever I know...)

Independent
I assert that life is hurt(ing).
I’m alone but I don’t bemoan this fate,
I brought it to my own plate.
Independent no defendant I stand up
For what I believe and unfortunately…
Believing is leaving is grieving.
I know you misconceive what I perceive to be true.
What is truth? Even the best sleuth cannot find –
Shhhh. Don’t talk about it.

Clever

Yep...

Clever
She pulls at the frills on her dress,
wondering when he’ll come.
Raindrops pelt the window –
she looks through them.
What is this emotional trickery?
She refuses to beg for this,
chasing sugar to no avail.
Costumed in her nonchalance,
she is so clever…
He’ll never know.
She pulls at the frills on her dress,
and cries silently behind the drapes.

Extirpation of my Guise

This happened once... right before the person left. I doubt he'll ever read it, so I'm not that concerned about it sucking ;)

Extirpation of my Guise
You bury your face in my right shoulder,
the second hand ticks, but fails to tock…
time has stopped for us.
With this one gesture,
you have completely devastated my façade…
I surrender.
Rest my head against your chest,
thinking about absolutely nothing –
a feat never before possible.

Who's to say

Writin' during lunch break -- what what?

Who's to say...

Who’s to say…
what family means?
Bound by blood, bound by heart.
Who’s to say…
where I am to place my affections?
Emotions are not subject to rules and regulations.
Who’s to say…
how I express my fervor and ardour?
Paper thin greetings cards and empty sentiments.
Who’s to say…
who I love?
What is love?

I had a title for this just a second ago...

And now I can't remember. This is why I shouldn't write in my head while I'm trying to go to sleep. --
Addendum 27 June: oh now I remember...

A Lot Goes Unsaid

I meet you at the gate,
converse over the fence.
You drum your fingers on the latch,
I smile and bid you farewell.
Go back in the house – days pass.
I see you go by the gate,
run outside and you just wave.
I drum my fingers on the fence,
stare into the distance and pretend.
Go back in the house – weeks pass.
You slip through the gate,
pull me into you.
Our fingers cannot pull us closer,
the world melts around us.
Run back in the house – you are gone.

Mendacious

I know, it's been a really long time. So I'm just getting back in the groove... I'm rusty, try not to be overly judgmental.

Mendacious

Oh what a tangled web we weave-

it’s not so much a lie just…

distortion.

Meticulous and careful these forgeries;

what’s in a lie? Deceit by any other name.

I present to you this fabrication of self, and

my guile is so precise.

Every façade a mirror, reflected in a pool,

reality is long lost.

Mendacious cunning so entirely complete,

even I am now a believer of my deception.

Saying Goodbye

(I was humming a tune I made up and started putting words to it. I seem to be in a song mood lately???)

Saying Goodbye

You always want what you can’t have…
Just brush me off without a thought.
Trust me honey, there is no wrath,
Maybe just a nagging sense of loss.

Say goodbye, say goodbye,
Can’t let go.
Say goodbye, say goodbye,
Learn to say no.

If you didn’t know I was going to leave…
If you didn’t know that we'd be apart…
Don’t do that, don’t try to please me,
I’ve already seen what’s on your heart.

Say goodbye, say goodbye,
It’s time to let go.
Say goodbye, say goodbye,
I can say no.

Maybe you’ll find, some time from now,
You should’ve said now, what you’ll know then.
But as it stands, you don’t seem to know how,
To make the leap, or simply be friends.

Say goodbye, say goodbye,
I have let go.
Say goodbye, say goodbye,
Darling… no.

Red

Red is a colour... Bittersweet is a colour... No actually I just needed to shake of some stress before I can sleep so I wrote this nonsense:

Red

Just hold on to me,
don’t let go.
The touch of your hands,
I breathe you in.
Brush my lips by your hair,
exhilaration and torment.
Push you away only
to pull you back.
Just hold onto me,
don’t let go.
Muscles tense,
your breath on my neck.
Mind shattering agony,
too invasive to
shrug away.
Just hold onto me,
don’t let go.

Bittersweet

This is like song format, but it's not a song because I am not a musician. So there.

Bittersweet

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you
I wasn’t expecting to feel so high…
Rushes of emotion hit anew.
And I just stare into your eyes.
You’re a vision to behold,
Still touch me with your magic…
But can’t escape this pressing cold.
Our story so tragic.

I admit my heart’s defeat,
Burning so bittersweet.
Overwhelmingly replete,
Burning so bittersweet.

I will never stop loving you,
Whatever may occur,
It will always be true,
It’s not something I can deter.
We’re crushed together by the dark,
Falling into a blinding mist.
And then it’s there – our spark,
Simplicity in your kiss.

I admit my heart’s defeat,
Burning so bittersweet.
Overwhelmingly replete,
Burning so bittersweet.

Not incomplete,
Just bittersweet.
No deceit,
Only bittersweet.

I admit my heart’s defeat,
Burning so bittersweet.
Overwhelmingly replete,
Burning so bittersweet.

Dissipate

(2 months... well, it's been worse before. Here's some lousy crap I wrote! Yay!)

Dissipate

I did not mean to make you

into something you are not.

Imagined improvements projected,

forced dematerialisation of truth.

It was unfair;

an abuse you suffered unknowingly...

As I formed you into an ideal,

falsely diminishing your inconvenient traits.

But my edification came in due time,

impossible to dismiss your ineptitudes,

pretending no longer...

Demolition. End.

I supposed there would be torment

once the picture shattered.

But there is only silence,

serenity more than torpor.

Still, I steal glances, wondering why

the absence of amity.

Yet I feel only peace.

Everything dissipates.