I got bored trying to write poetry

(so I wrote some random prose. No rhyme, no reason, just unfiltered brain to fingers)

“We were in the water. It was dark and I remember" [I remember!] the Christina Aguilera song pops into my head. Ugh. I was not a fighter at that moment. "I remember trying to swim, but it was so dark. I kept thinking how maybe if I drowned I’d be warm. I know I splashed about for a while longer, my head was getting very heavy and I couldn’t remember exactly which direction I was supposed to be swimming." [just keep swimming, just keep swimming] But I didn’t feel like Dory "and so I sort of paused. And that’s the end of the memory.”

“I see, and you don’t remember anything after that?”

“Well sure. I remember waking up in the hospital and I was totally freaked out. I remember ripping out the IVs and I guess one of them must have had me connected to a heart monitor because that flat lined. And I was confused, thinking that the flat line meant I was dying you know?”

“Mhmm. Do you know why you were, as you say, freaked out in the first place? When you woke up?”

“Well, hospitals kind of freak me out" [she’s a superfreak, superfreak] "in general. People… die in them.”

“Did you know someone who died in a hospital?”

“Hey doc, I gotta run" [and the bass keeps runnin’ runnin’ and runnin’ runnin’] "but we can keep revealing all my inner secrets next session okay? My insurance says I can have a few more.”

“That sounds fine.”

“Okay, sure thing doc, ciao.”

I had never been so glad to leave a session since the boating accident. I swear he doped the air vents or something. My brain felt like I was cracking out, turning my words into songs and the next thing I know I’m about to reveal that she died in her hospital with the doctor just watching. Damned doctors, they don’t really know what they’re doing I think. Or she wouldn’t have died.

I grabbed a bus to the grocery and picked up a giant steak, a loaf of bread, and some ice cream. The stock girl looked horrified by my cart so I threw in some frozen vegetables. My eating had really gone down the drain since her death. She didn’t cook so much as she magically put food together. I don’t think I ever actually saw her look in a cookbook, just threw stuff into pots and pans and we had dinner. No meat back in those days, I don’t enjoy it as much now, but I keep trying. The doc said eating meat again might help me move on. Mostly it just makes me nauseated.

I went to unlock the apartment door but it gave when I touched the door handle. I threw the bag to the side and reached for my gun. Damn! In the car. I grabbed the frozen steak, desperate times. I threw open the door and was all adrenaline ready to beat the crap out of whoever was in the place. I dropped the steak. I swayed. She turned around.

“A steak? Honey, I thought you were adapting to vegetarian meals.” She looked disappointed. “Well, that’s okay, I guess, well, I don’t know how to cook it, but if you really want it tonight you could just eat the vegetable dish as a side.”

Then I’m pretty sure I said something like, “Huh buh buh muh, wha?”

A second one today!

(for kicks I wrote a second one. I stole some lines from songs I was listening to on loop - haha - and then added a few of my own for giggles I guess, also to cement certain associations I was making. Anyway, it's not great, but shmeh. If you buy into biorhythms - I am undecided - I looked mine up and they are like shit right now, so I'm trying not to be too harsh on myself)

As if it makes a difference

You’re just as pretty as you can be –
I was getting myself into trouble.
You’ll miss me when I’m gone [maybe not]
Shut up shut up shut up
I fell for your lies [every time]
but I won’t let you trick me twice
Oh wait, you’re always right.
Learn to spell your accusations
[it’s not effective if you can’t spell the insult]
I won’t miss you [sorry]
because you just don’t matter anymore.

I have begun to pretend you never happened

(I have no real commentary on this. I think it sucks more than usual, so I might take the idea and some of the lines and reformat them. Or stick them into an exercise. I should get back to doing exercises, I think my poems were getting better there for a while...)

I have begun to pretend you never happened

It’s par for the course you know,
losing people because
I fuck things up I guess.
Sit in my messy room
no energy to clean, I
stare off into a distant land,
only I can see it.
Everything is perfect
in this imaginary land, and
I have begun to pretend
you never happened.

Maybe I should practise more

(here's a quick one. I'm trying to say something which inevitably makes my poems suck more. I don't know if that makes sense, but anyway. Here's a random one that's not very good and that I may actually edit one of these days...)

My clout is a print I pass around

Absurd affectations, I police my face.
Acting on the stage, wondering
who is the director?
I burn all my bridges to puzzle you –
my absurd affectations.
Bitterly cold with overcast skies,
but still too bright. I put on sunglasses
while I mince my words.
I smile with my teeth, button my coat.
My clout is a print I pass around:
strong and happy with pinstriped suit pants
and a form fitting t-shirt.
Absurd affectations,
You believe my amiability.