Sumptuous

(I feel like with Christmas just passed and having been to a beautiful wedding yesterday I should be writing something sweet and touching and very feel good, but those can be hard to write without sounding overly sappy. So that is in the works and this will have to tide over this blog for now as I attempt to keep my goal of posting at least every three days. Originally I had "insatiable appetite" and I can't decide if I like "voracious" better or not. So if you read this, please vote.)

Sumptuous

My hands tremble slightly as I grip the pen tighter.
Distracting – this infatuation. I am ravenous --
voracious appetite. I cannot quell my cravings.
Shower water flows over me; I luxuriate in the sensation,
momentarily free from my yen, but I remain cautious.
The hunger is potent – it will return.
Stirring my dinner and I cannot ignore the enticing silence.
Irreverent I sit, savoring the opulence of my fantasies.
Intriguing temptations meander through my mind.
I lie in bed, awaiting the delectable sweet salve of sleep.
Luscious ideas linger, torturous in their succulence.
Can I be saved from this depravity?
Perhaps I’ll simply indulge it.

Fondly Enraptured (working title)

(That last one was a bit...non cheery? So I tried writing a happier one inspired by something personal in my life and so of course it's not particularly good. But I'm just so damn... happy about it. And yes, like everything else I write, it needs work. Suggestions??)

Fondly Enraptured

I feign nonchalance when I suddenly realize,
you have set up a bivouac on my heart.
We banter casually, your every laugh
the sweetest guerdon –
leaving me insensate except to you.
I welcome this malediction
as I remember locking your gaze –
your eyes earning you a new sobriquet.
There can be such intricacy in emotions, so
I am not asking for something sempiternal.
Just you. Just now.

Xeriscaping the Emotional Gardens

(I don't know... blah. I wish I could take a class where the professor doesn't just try to turn you into him or herself, what's with that?)

Xeriscaping the Emotional Gardens

I smile at your frowzy hair, but you
look at me – gelid [judging?]
My heart beats faster as I wonder
what is my malfeasance?
Your laconic chatter pointedly leaves me
out of the conversation
and I ponder if I can redress our dissevered relation.
Your palaver morphing into Poe’s bells –
the tintinnabulation of the … No
more somber than that [knell]
My mental arguments lack cogency [otiose],
so I compose a valediction, embracing
a hubris that I do not have.
So enervated by self-doubts [inculcate my own deprecation]
I cannot utter a single word –
how ardently I crave our quondam amicability.
I look away – yield to your piercing gaze.

Dear Lover

Dear Lover

Dear Lover,
Your intimations that I have become subfusc are...
[nausea]
I am no naïf, your lofty fustian hits as hard as
simple iambic words of disapproval.
Am I imagining your miasma?
[dizziness]
Or have you tired so of my insecurities
I have made you into this caitiff.
Our amity gone – a mere patina.
[aching]
Surrounded by kitsch, I silently cry,
still finding you so infatuating.

Secrets

(I need to, like, take a class or something...)

Secrets

Pssst…
I have a secret
[dirty little]
While I smile and say please
and thank you very much
[hedonistic daydreams]
Answer the phone at work,
Cheery no problem
[want to scream -- stupid people]
Sing along with the car radio,
Wave in people trying to merge
[road rage, visions of rear ending them]
Listen to your day,
Nod at the right places
[shut up so I can have you]
What if anyone knew my
[dirty little]
Secrets?

Some prose too, while I'm at it

(what? I've felt very "write-y" lately)

The box in my lap shifted gently with the movement of the car. With the heater directing warm at my face, I was rather complacent in that twilight state of almost being asleep.

We crested a hill and saw another set of headlights coming toward us. The oncoming truck was driving down the middle of the road and swerved a little to get out of the way. John swerved lightly as well, but our little two-wheel drive did not recover as easily and we fishtailed a bit. A clung a little tighter to the box while John muttered something and tried to relax his white-knuckle grip on the wheel.

"You didn't tell me your sister lived out in the middle of nowhere," he said finally.

"I told you she lives on a mountain..." I knew John was stressed from the drive, but he was not going to lay the blame on me. "And that it was back roads to get to her house."

"People in Vail live in 6 million dollar homes with paved driveways and they live on a mountain."

I nestled back in my warm seat and opted not to reply to this rather illogical statement. If he had drawn conclusions that were wrong, that was still not my fault. Not to mention that I'd offered to drive, but no, what would John's misogynistic father say if he found out? The shame would be -

John's yelp pulled me out of my sleepy thoughts. My eyes snapped open and I caught a split second glimpse of the little Jeep careening around the curving road. I don't remember the actual impact, but rather the effort it took to get out of the car after airbag deployed and I was choking on the powder. Our car had spun and hit the mountainside several times but my door opened enough for me to drop into the snow. Cookie crumbs marked the snow -- the box in my lap had not survived the crash. I needed to find John and reassure him. He would blame himself, but it was clearly not his fault. I heaved to my feet and made my way around the car.

"John!" I hadn't realise how silent it was until I screamed. John lay in the snow, slowly turning it all a jarring shade of crimson.

"I- should have- listened to you, babe." He reached a hand to me and I knelt down to take it. "You better make sure the baby always wears a seat belt." He set a hand on my abdomen and I wondered how he knew, I wasn't even sure yet myself. He squeezed my hand, "I sure do love you."

"John I love you so much!" I screamed it at him, as though I were mad. He looked at me curiously, but then closed his eyes and laid his head down on the snow. I felt his grip go slack in my hand. I screamed again.

***

The blankets were soft against my cheek. I nuzzled them a little but they didn't smell quite right. Slowly I resumed conscious thought and opened one eye, then the other. The wall across from me was a mural of the beach. There was a medical quality stethoscope on the nightstand next to the bed. I was in my room but-

Then I remembered. The flash of lights. The Jeep. John. I sat up and looked around. Somehow I'd gotten to my sister's house. It was actually our childhood house and this was my old room. I swung my feet out of the bed and toyed with the stethoscope. I put one end to my stomach to see if I could hear a baby. Just silence, and a little gurgle of hunger. The door swung open.

"Oh you're awake! Good! What in the world are you doing?"

I lept from the bed and nearly knocked over Lee with my barreling hug. My sister is no wimp though and she was ready for it. She wrapped her arms around me and didn't let go when I suddenly started crying again. What a picture it must have been as I stood there half dressed, a stethoscope around my neck and bawled into my older sister's flannel shirt. When I was done I sat back down on the bed.

"We finally got worried and sent a search party. By party I mean me and Bobby and then Jack and Rusty. Rusty found you first of course, dogs always win these sorts of things and so she and Jack brought you back to the house." She paused. "Not much we could do for John but bring back his body and call the sheriff. The snow's picked up though and the sheriff won't be out for a few more days, so we sort of just have him out back."

"Okay." I didn't know what else to say. Then suddenly I realised something. "What about the Jeep?"

Lee frowned. "We're not sure actually. The tracks and slide marks and what have you all indicate it slid right off the side of the mountain, but Bobby was all over it trying to see down the mountain with his new binoculars and he didn't see anything."

"Curious..."

Did You Know?

(holy crap it's been a while since I posted. Sorry! Not that anyone reads this anyway, but whatever. Here is a poem I wrote just trying to get the old brain functioning again. I know it's not great, but it is what it is)

Did you know?

I drink Diet Coke for breakfast
Listen to punk love songs on my morning commute.
One of the two is making me ill, but
I still cry at the radio.
Did you know?
I count how many other white cars are on the road,
And who has bothered to wash off the winter grime.
I try to relax in the shower,
But can't stop the incessant thinking.
Did you know?
I spend all day on the phone,
I can solve almost anyone's problem.
Just not my own, so
I need your constant reassurances.
Did you know?
I stare at the clock, not for the time,
But to manipulate the numbers into mathematical equations.
I'm trying to find order in this world,
Sometimes you just seem so solid.
Did you know?
I am upset, when you are upset,
I fear I am the one who made you upset.
I wish I could be a shoulder for you,
But how could you know?
I never tell you.